What Do You Love?

Do you have something you love to do?

If you’ve been struggling with your mental health along the lines of depression or anxiety or really any symptom, do you have things that you want to do? Do you still have hobbies or interests that you take you away, that fulfills you, or makes you happy? What is it that you do that makes you happy? Did you lose your interests? Have you tried to get them back or start new ones? What motivates you to keep doing what you love or moves you to try something new?

I was recently asked by a friend “When was the last time you were happy?” and “What do you do that’s makes you feel good?” I thought about it and honestly couldn’t remember the last time that I was genuinely happy. I also didn’t know what makes me feel good. Over the past few years, I’ve been faking the funk to appear happy in social situations, but I’m really just in my head because I’m putting on an act. I haven’t been able to just let go, to just be.

To me, one of the worst parts of being chronically depressed is the disconnection from genuine joy. I can absolutely understand that an activity or environment is one that is enjoyable and should illicit feelings of happiness, joy, and elation. But actually feeling that just doesn’t come. There is no faking it until you make it with this. I can obviously act the part of enjoying things because that’s pretty easy when my depression isn’t at it’s absolute worst and it’s just easier to not have people trying to cheer you up. So you put on a smile and participate so that’s others will leave you alone.

Losing interests in or no longer finding enjoyment in what were once your favorite things is like losing the understanding of who you are. What makes you happy are huge building blocks in what it is to be you and removing them is like taking away the pieces in a game of Jenga. It’s only a matter of time before the structure crumbles.

This loss of the things you once loved isn’t about growing out of them or replacing them with something else. That happens to us all as we get older. That is healthy. That is something that is expected. We go from loving to play with dolls; to loving to dress up and/ or do hair and makeup. We go from loving to watch Nick Jr.; to loving to watch the ID Channel. It’s an evolution.

But with depression there is no evolving from one interest to another. It’s a complete theft of pleasure. One thing doesn’t replace another. There is just a void. It’s not even about not liking something anymore, it’s about a complete absence of feeling, a dulling of joy. Maybe those positive feelings come back, maybe they don’t. Either way, it’s frightening to no longer have those foundational pieces that make you, you.

I wish I had some helpful info on how to get back to yourself, but I don’t. I’m actually on the upswing in regards to my mood, but I still haven’t gotten back to loving to do the things that once brought me joy. I still don’t have those places, people, and things that allow me to feel free, hopeful, and happy back. The fear of spiraling once again is probably a big factor in that. When you’ve gone through baseline, manic, and depressive cycles so many times it’s a learned response to be fearful of the good times because the downward spiral is right around the corner.

I’m hoping that I’ll figure this all out eventually and get back to feeling joy. However, right now, I feel it’s important to wrap my head around and understand the space that I am currently in.

If you’ve ever felt like this let me know. If you’ve gotten past feeling like this, definitely let me know what helped.