Trapped

There’s been a topic I’ve been avoiding thinking about for a very long time, but I feel like I’m in a transitional period in life that makes it impossible not to ruminate over it. I feel trapped in my state. And not like a “being held hostage” type of trapped, but a “surrounded by a moat of hungry gators” type of trapped.

I’ve pretty much always wanted to move out of state, I even started making plans twice. At one point I was planning to relocate to Georgia and another time, North Carolina. My plans fell through each time for different reasons, but the desire to leave never left. However, now, it’s just too risky to leave where I am now.

What are my fears/ concerns? I’ll walk you through them:

• Mental healthcare
  • I know the US, overall, has a terrible mental healthcare system, but where I currently live is far better than any other state I would want to move to. It was also a years-long, hell of a fight to get access to the mental healthcare I currently have, and the thought of doing it all over again, but on my own this time, is terrifying. I would have no readily accessible family members who had the time, energy, and understanding of the system to help me navigate the webs of bureaucracy that is healthcare, social security disability, supportive housing, or really anything that makes living more independently a possibility. I would be giving up one of the best psychiatrists I’ve worked with in my whole life, who has actually been able to help me find some semblance of stability. I would also be giving up the teamwork of my psychiatrist who prescribes my intranasal ketamine and TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) because they are all under the same practice and work in conjunction with each other. I would also have to find a new therapist. If you know anything about what it is like trying to find a team of mental health professionals that are worth a damn, take your insurance, align with your personality and treatment goals, and are actually taking new clients you understand why I’m hesitant to just up and move.
• Politics
  • I understand that there are no utopian states where living as a Black, disabled, queer woman would be easy or pleasant, but I know some states are far better than others. Where I live now, no matter how much I complain about it, is one of them. I’m not worried about my access to reproductive healthcare being taken away at the state level. I’m not worried about civil rights being rolled back at a state level to such a degree that I may be legally harassed if my dress does not conform with my gender or if I am not deferential enough to a white person’s liking. I’m not worried about living under a state government that would sentence their constituents to slow death and poverty to “own the libs.” Our country is currently a sinking ship and remaining where I am is essentially me climbing to the highest point in the ship to delay drowning for as long as possible. I’m not as worried about being shot while going about my daily life. It’s way too precarious of a time for me to leave.
• Housing
  • If you weren’t aware, I am in a supportive housing program that allows me to live on my own and adjusts my rent to be 30% of my income. No matter what that income is. I’ve paid full market rate rent when I was working. I’ve paid $0 some months while I had no money coming in because I had to leave a job due to my disability and I was waiting for my SSD to be reinstated. I would not have that anywhere else I would go. This is my safety net that I wish I didn’t need. It’s not glamorous and it’s extremely personally invasive, but I’m not at risk of homelessness.

This is why I feel trapped here. My biggest fear is that I lose out on opportunities and relationships because of my circumstances and the care and safety I would be leaving with no way of possibly finding something just as good or better, and no way of getting it back if I change my mind.