Making Summer What I Want

Summer is my season. It’s not just because I like warm weather and sunshine. It’s because the summer months are the best for my mental health and the time of year I’m most likely to be “okay” for a long stretch. It’s the time of year when I have energy and motivation. It’s also the time of year I tend to be hypomanic, so I try my best to harness the positives that come from this mental state.

So I overbook myself. I plan to/ agree to go to every event, every meet up, beach trip, etc that I get invited to. I stretch my bank account to its limits and pray I don’t overdraft. I embrace the body that I’m in and wear as few clothes as possible whenever possible. I dream, I plan, I plot. Summer is my season of hope. When you live with constant suicidal ideations, hope is something that is in short supply.

I grab summer by the horns, and in the words of Lil Nas X “I ride til I can’t no more.” I treat memories like a hoarder. I work to gather as many good memories, pictures included, that I can so that I can have something to look back on in the long, dark days of fall and winter. It’s my way of creating a sort of first aid kit for the winter. I look back on the summer memories and say “If I can just make it to next summer I can do this all again.”

So now I make my summer what I want it to be. I embrace the frenzy and ride the wind. I become just a little more “me.” Over the past 8 years, I’ve purposefully taken myself out of my comfort zone to do the things I never thought I could do, or never thought I could do alone. There have been ups and downs, but the positives far outweigh the negatives. I have a wider and stronger group of friends than ever before. I have finally embraced the side of myself that is more eclectic and less mainstream. I’ve grown more and more comfortable in my own skin and I’ve gotten my voice out there in ways I feel are important.

My point in writing this is to hopefully motivate more folks to embrace their season. Whether it’s summer or not. Whether it lasts for 3 months at a time or not. Gather all of the good memories and being daring while you can so that you can refer back to these times for a little reminder that life isn’t always this bad during the downward spirals, relapses, hospitalizations, etc. In my opinion, it doesn’t “get better” but life does have its moments.